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...broken glass, shallow cuts...
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[02 Sep 2007|09:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 apathetic |
] |
I don't care if it hurts,
I want to have control.
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul.
I want you to notice,
when I'm not around.
You're so fucking special,
I wish I was special.
...
Argh. Im so emo lately. I want it to stop. now.
...
Mood swings, irritability, sleeplessness, lack of concentration, change in appetite, weight loss and losing pleasure in things you used to enjoy.
7/9 of the symptoms of depression have appeared in the last month. I forgot how much I hate it.
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| Family First |
[12 Feb 2007|07:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 I hate lysosomes |
] |
| [ |
music |
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biggest loser...its not music |
] |
My opinion on this, is that these people are insane. If a woman has an abortion, then fair enough, counselling would be needed. But they are talking about coercion from family members etc. What the bloody hell do they think showing an ultrasound is going to do, or telling them they might die, and knwing, exactly, how they plan to kill her child. Its insane. absolutely bloody insane. Garr.
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| Christmas fun |
[03 Jan 2007|11:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 content |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Beautiful People - Marilyn Manson |
] |
So now that Im over the shock of christmas I can talk about it.
Christmas wasnt bad. I was expecting it to be a lot worse. See, my mum came down to visit, which was good. The bad part was she was staying at Marks house, and I was expected to stay there also.
So Christmas eve, I went over there, and it actually wasnt bad. We didnt do much really, and I think I may have had a good time. And of course Christmas morning...well, thats always a good time.
I got the PSP that I wanted, which was happy making. I spent like half an hour juat saying "ooh, its so shiny" over and over.
Plus, my mum bought me all these clothes, which I actually liked and will probably wear.
And Dana loved the stuff that I got her. Which is a good thing. That child is so picky with clothes I swear.
And at my family christmas thing (which is hard to picture unless you are there.Think of ten siblings, each with at least two children, and some of them which children) I got to see my older sister, which was fun. She bought me Angel....so that was good.
So I had a good christmas (and believe it or not, I didnt drink. I didnt drink at New Years either). I hope everyone else had a good time, and they got whatever they wanted off Santa/Parents etc
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| Heat |
[01 Jan 2007|10:19am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hot |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Wild Horses - The sundays |
] |
Let me explain something here. I hate the heat. I hate the sun. I would much prefer to be frozen than live in warm temperatures. Heat makes my head feel like its stuffed with cotton wool. Its disgusting. On hot days I hibernate into by bedroom, where it is airconditioned, and watch crappy old tv shows.
Then comes this summer. I had it all planned out. Hiding in my room as per normal. Occasionally venturing out into the half bearable Illawarra summer.
But guess what? Im in Griffith. Griffiths minimum temperature for the past two months was 28 degrees. There is no airconditioned bedroom for me to hide in, and also, no tv in the bedroom. So, in some vain attempt to be a nice girl, and spend time with my family, I spend every stinking hot day, in the unairconditioned loungeroom. Watching childrens movies the whole time.
Actually not a bad day today. There is wind. Which is good. And humidity. Which is bad.
Weather in Griffith today- 29.6 degrees.
Humidity- 53%
Weather in Wollongong- 21.2 degrees
Humidity- 77%
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| idgebeh and narg |
[09 Dec 2006|08:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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irritated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Everything Ends" Slipknot |
] |
Today, I am angry. Very very angry.
Apparantly my hormones have been having secret meetings and decided to try and see how much of a pms cocktail they can create.
So, in some sort of vian attempt at trying to relieve my anger, Im going to write a list of things that annoyed me today.
1)The really ugly person at mcdonalds who had a chin that jutted out, and a face that resembled babes.
2)The stupid people who blocked us in the car park.I will find you. I will kill you)
3) Teh copious amounts of people inside my house today. Stupid people.
4)The evil broadband cords that wouldnt co-operate.I got all the lights flashing and it still wouldnt work.
5)iTunes not installing at all. Apparantly it will only run on XP or Vista. Stupid new itunes.
6)My phone died. I was yelling at it for half an hour before i realized it couldnt hear me.
7)The stupid dishes that are sitting in the sink. Mocking me. I can hear them mocking me.
8)My elephant finger. My finger got a piece of steel in it, swelled up to twice its natural size, and decided along with that, to infect the rest of my hand, which is now swelling up as well.
Well....thats about it.
Oh yeah, Ellen gots her Ps.That doesnt make me angry. That makes me happy. We drove to Kiama, then got lost in helelnsbirgh at 9.30. Which was fun.
And we almost died. The stupid intersection at horsley shops, a 4WD decides that red means go, and almost slams into the my door. My heart was beating a little fast then.
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[02 Sep 2006|08:35pm] |
I am currently in bliss.
Reasons why
1) I is watching helter skelter. It is a wonderful movie
2) I is at ellens house, which always makes me happy because i is with my ellen.
3) Hayley is here and thats always fun.
4)I have chocolate
5)I just had chinese *drools*
6)I also have caramel fudge vanilla ice cream
7) Although I am feeling incredibly fat, im also in a fantastic mood for some unknown reason.
8)My mummy boughted me Lady and The tramp on dvd, so that makes me rather enjoed atm.
9) Ellens parents are in Newcastle. Yay to having the house all to ourselves. Smoking inside is so much easier.
Yeah, thats about it at the moment..but im sure there is more. When there is more it shall amuse me. So I shall tell you all.
God I am in the most fucked up mood. Its like being stoned without weed
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[15 Aug 2006|05:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crappy |
] |
I know...i Know. Im pathetic. But i like it. Its a good song. God, kill me.
"Unfaithful"
Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company
He's more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue
The clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true
And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer
I feel it in the air
As I'm doing my hair
Preparing for another date
A kiss upon my cheek
As he reluctantly
Asks if I'm gonna be out late
I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well
Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer
Our love, his trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this
Anymore
Uh
Anymore (anymore)
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
And everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
And I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer (a murderer)
No no no no
Yeah yeah yeah
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[25 Jul 2006|04:58pm] |
i made a boys nose bleed yesterday.....
it was funny.
It amused me for a short period of time.
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| Stupid World |
[15 Jun 2006|03:25pm] |
I am in possibly one of the foulest moods on the face of the planet. I have no idea why and i dont care. But last night i was laying in my bed shaking because i wantd to cut so badly. I felt so upset and alone and distressed for some reason, and the knowledge that i could just walk into the bathroom , and cut the pain away, but then i think of ellen. she would be so disappointed in me and herself if i cut. So i just lay there and had about 9 panic attacks. I couldnt breathe all night. Ive been with ellen all day and its realy hard to keep on pretending that i feel fine, that im wonderful , that i dont want to cut. I dont want her to know that. shes so proud of me for not cutting i dont wanna disappoint her.
She has her own shit to deal with.
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[18 May 2006|09:57am] |
| [ |
mood |
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gloomy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Bangles |
] |
i miss the way we used to be, when you were you and i was me
I miss you...
I miss the way we used to laugh
i miss the way we used to cry
i miss your hugs
i miss your smile
i miss our D&Ms
i miss the way you made me feel special
I remember how we used to be, remember how we were. How we told each other everything, and all we went through. Seeing you every day is probably harder than anything else i have ever faced in my life and it hurts so much, but i know your happier.
Cuz your everywhere to me and when i close my eyes its you i see
MichelleBranch Everywhere
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[15 May 2006|12:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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angry |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Missy Higgins |
] |
I hate my life. This is what I have decided. It all sucks. Except for the ellen part. That is wonderful. But everything else sucks.
I got home yesterday, and being mothers day, cooked breakfast and gave her chocolates blah blah blah. But while cooking breakfast, Dana, who insists on helping told me that Mark slept over Friday night. It is actually very hard to comprehend how angry at my mother I am. But I didn’t say a word to her. Not yet. I shall wait until tonight. Its not the first time this has happened either. Every time I leave the house it seems, Mark comes over. It sucks arse so bad. I just don’t understand why it happened. Why doesn’t she get why I hate him? Its kind of bleedingly obvious, don’t you think? Yet every time I ask her, she doesn’t even answer the question, just keeps evading me. And it just pisses me off so much right now.
How many times can a person turn their head,
and pretend that they just doesn't see?
BobDylanBlowinginTheWind
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[09 May 2006|09:33am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pensive |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
grating sound of classmates |
] |
yesterday we had these talks for genetics from these scientists and researchers. it was really pretty interesting, but as we were walking in i saw a face that i havent seen in a long time. a face that i thought that i had gotten rid of, in my mind at least. it just brings back so many painful memories memories that i never wanted to remember again. but now i do. all the pain all the hurt and all the guilt. and it wont go away.
my body aches to breathe your breath...im nothing without you
I love you kate, you were mine and i was yours
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| nothing |
[20 Apr 2006|02:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 horny |
] |
well....i have actualy been really good lately . i havent been cutting or anything else lately. i dopnt really know why but i am happy for it. i havent cut in about 6 months and am actually loving the lack of sympathetic glances and "whajadotoyaarm" from random derros. i havent been drinking as much and yeah, i still smoke, but thats a physical addiction people!
Im sorta back together with ellen, but its weird. we act as though we're going out and i guess we are but she said that i have freedom to do stuff with other people if i want but she doesnt want to know about it which is fair. so i guess its an open relationship. i hate categorizing things. i really do. it shits me. a lot.
my stepdad got kicked out about 6 weeks ago and after we came back from staying in sydney over easter we found that hed absolutely trashed my room. like, killed everything including my television and playstation. later we found out that he had gone through and scratched every single dvd that i own, put them back in the case and back in the shelf. thats about 125 dvds and about 1500 dollars worth of damage in the dvds, yet the cops wont do jack about because they cant prove it was him even though he told mum he did it because i am a "lying, thieving smart arse slut" which is just lovely.
so yeah, that sorta sucks...a lot. but i dont really care. Im over getting angry. And i went for a job interview at kfc today! yay! money.
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| Im scared |
[08 Dec 2005|08:59am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
listless |
] |
Im scared...im scared of a lot of things, and it actually takes me a lot to admit that, because i just dont admit stuff like that.
Im scared for my sister, because this kid in her class keeps beating on her , and the last time, resulted in a concussion.
Im scared for my mother, cuz my stepdads insane and loves yelling and screaming at her because hes fucking crazy. I dont think hes ever hit her, but if he did, id kill him.
Im scared for Kirra, my bestie, cuz she means the world to me, and currently shes hurting so much. She has so much shit in her life and all people care about is bagging her out about her cutting. This morning she was upset, and im still worried about her, cuz i dont like seeing her upset.
Im scared of being alone. i put up a big mean scary front, but i dont want to be alone. I ned the people who are close to me, i ned them to help me , and i need to see them, and make sure theyre ok, and not suffering.
Last night I cut again on my thigh, i carved alone into my leg, and some deep cuts around that too. I upset myself when i cut, because even though i get temporary relief from whatever I'm feeling, the looks of my friends when they see them isn't worth it.
Too much ranting.....i should probably actually do some work
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